I'll Only BM-oment

Ok, so during the 24th year of my life I did nothing but homework for years.  I was in school and finals were every 11 weeks.  They usually meant I was in a computer lab until 2am every day. 

My sister calls me up which in itself was odd.  

Her: "Hey slut.  Come to Molly's Pub.  Everyone's here."  

Me: "Who's everyone?  You and your drunk friend?" 
 
Her: "Everyone that matters, slut.  Hurry."

So I went, I needed a break.  The funny thing is at the time I was thinking, it's not like I'm 30, I'm young, I need to get out.  Now I'm 36 haha.  I met up with buddies I used to party with and it had been a while since I could stay out all night.  I had a beer or 3 and decided around midnight that it was time to go.  They weren't THAT fun sober.  My friend "Cracky" asked me for a ride home, I said sure.  What the hell right?  He asked if I wanted to go swimming at the country club pool with him.  Here I was, my soft warm heart breaking for him in his time of anguish over his lost love.  *tear*

We picked up his trunks and went to the country club.  I thought it odd that his parents being members of the club we still had to hop the fence. The term 'Hop' is used loosely here, when I was 16 I hopped like a bunny.  At 24 I hauled, clung, had a controlled fall and may or may not have rolled a little.


It was gorgeous night though hot and a little sweaty.  Ok, it was a sweaty night and there was nothing I would rather do than jump in that cold pool but the stars were beautiful.  Dark starry nights are my favorite.

He started talking about how much he loved this girl, how much he missed her, how hurt he was and I sat there listening like the awesome friend I am.  I happened to look down into the water.  It was close to 1am so the pool lights were on and I saw what looked like little pieces of mulch floating in the water.  

I thought, 'how strange, I don't remember the water being this dirty.'  

Now, I'm a bit of a germaphobe.  I would notice if there was something sketchy in the water before putting my legs in, but my friend was in need.  He was butt-hurt. (hurt feelings)  And again, I'm an awesome friend.

A thought fluttered in my head and I shooed it away.  His hands were behind his back and he was playing with his waistband, weird...  That twisted thought crawled back and was licking at my brain, again I disregarded something so obscene because really... who does that?

That's when (pause for effect) 'IT' happened.  Cracky looked down at the pieces of mulch swirling in the water when he moved his foot.  He pionted his toe with the grace of a drunken fuck-o and smeared the 'mulch' across the bottom of the pool.  

Huh?  That's not..... wait....  No.  No right?  Nope!  NO!  


No way.

 
 I lifted my feet out of what was once a pool and now was a huge toilet, and crossed my legs under me.  

What is happening?  Is he still talking?  Was he breaking up that log behind his back while he was talking to me???   *KAK*  

Then what I thought was the most disgusting moment of my life got worse.  He leaned over, eyes closed, stars twinkling in the night.  The closer he got the more my brain frantically screamed, "he touched caca!!!!  He TOUCHED IT! WITH.  HIS.  HANDS!   HE'S TRYING TO KISS YOU, RUN BITCH, RUUUN!!!

I freaked, I was frozen until that moment but now it was time to wig out.  

"WHOA!!!!!  Whooooa, Cracky, we're friends. (long pause)  I gotta go."  

I had to stop myself from running out of there.  Didn't have problems hopping the fence on the way out, weird. 

So I dropped him off, went home and took a SilkWood shower.  While in the shower in the fecal position, FETAL!  FETAL position sucking my thumb.  

Did that just happen?  No. It couldn't have.  Who does that?  Not humans right? Just assholes do that.  That's funny but I'm not really laughing.  Someone's caca touched you... oh my Jesus, KEEP SCRUBBING!

I told my sister what had happened when I got out of the shower.  She thought I was out catting around with that dude.  

Her response was, "I'm telling Everybody!'

They were all out at some bar a couple of months later and for every sentence that came out of his mouth my sis would answer, "You're Fucking gross."  "You're disgusting"  

Finally I guess he got sick of it and just screamed at her, "What's your problem???  What? Because I took a shit in the pool in front of your sister??"  

My suave sis in total shock, "omg...  OMG!  Did everyone hear that???!!!"  

I cant look at him to this day.

Don't judge me, these freaks find me.  I swear. 

Ummm. Ok.

I don't get it. 

I've always thought of myself as unique... yeah, shut up. 'Off' may be a better word for my wicked black sense of humor and my innate ability to verbally vomit everything in my head. I usually receive one of following reactions.  Gales of laughter, an epiphany or a finger slowly moving towards the 'panic' button.

No matter the outcome I can honestly say I'm honest.  Honest!  I believe that for the most part everyone I know in turn knows where they stand with me.

(Chasing Rabbits) I used to have a blog used mainly for my own catharsis.  I miss my blog.  Mental/emotional constipation is a bitch and tends to make me a little crazy.  Facebook allows me to release some of the pressure clawing in my head in a blurb or two but not actually cleanse out the full fledged 'Crazy'.  I have a journal but that's boring without an audience.  Now, I discover Blogger.... Glory.  </bunny trail>

So the question I've had on my mind lately is: What in the holy fuck is going on out there?! 

I've been left with my mouth hanging open in disbelief much more times lately than I'm comfortable admitting.  Speechless isn't a term many of my friends... ok, my like 3 friends would use to describe me but speechless is what I've been at the jackassery that I'm witness to. 

It would be one thing if it was one 'tard raining their 'Suck' all over my parade, but it's everywhere!  For the love of Christmas puppies, stop it.  Here is a list of experiences I would gladly pay to see burned in a bag with some poo.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually the stupid one.

1. Don't try and copy my wit/sarcasm.  I don't do it on purpose, it just happens and it's just me.  You sound retarded.

2. Blatantly listening in on a conversation, laughing at the jokes and putting in your two cents from another room does not make us BFFs.  You're eavesdropping.  Stop it.

3. If you still hate her, you still care.  Stop kissing me.  I'm too good to be your regret.

4. If it didn't work the first time, the chances of it working the 3rd time are less than the slut NOT dying in the slasher flick.  This time is not different.  They're just on their best behavior. 

5. No one talks shit about my family but ME!

6.  Don't tell me things you cant take back.  Once I consider you a liar, you'll always be a liar to me.

7. I don't speak Mexican.  I speak Spanish.  Saying it on purpose because you think it's funny makes you gay.  

8.  No one will ever change for you.  Not really.  People change for them and that in itself is a miracle.

9.  I'm at work.  Don't ask me out in front of your employees you disgusting pig after you tell me you have a girlfriend.  That will earn you a Spartan kick to the groin.

10.  Stop looking at my boobs.  They're big.  I know.  (They're nice though right?)

11.  I didn't marry your dumbass spouse.  Stop telling me how stupid they are and then expect me to like them anyway.  Now I hate you a little bit.

12.  Lying to me about a brain tumor because you want my attention... I really don't know what to do with that.

13.  If my feet are in the pool, please don't shit in it.  Breaking up the turd behind your back and then smearing a piece with your toe while you're talking to me isn't attractive.  No, I don't want to kiss you now.

Holy hell, I really do feel better!  

Like I said, it makes sense to me.  Trying to find sense in such a cluster of madness is a frustrating and leaves me feeling isolated.  A little lost.  It comes out funny but after a while of dealing with the same issues from different people... 51-50 me already.

So to sum it all up, quit being stupid, I'm funny and possibly need to keep a box of helmets in my car for all the 'tards out there. 

Rules of a Platonic Friendship

(thought this was hysterical)

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can’t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can’t let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it’s the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this; it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It’s emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I’ll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I’m going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don’t even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don’t slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I’m a beautifully complex being.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that’s a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldn’t your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren’t we dating again?

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that’s just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that’s what friends do.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I’m only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.

The Perfect Day

It was a perfectly beautiful summer day, perfect temperature, clear perfectly blue sky, and everyone in my house was out for the day.  Ahh, all alone - Perfect.  I treasure those moments.  I slept in until 11am and laid in bed feeling lazy for a while.  I took a shower, one of those long ones because you know you have nothing to do and the day is yours to do with as you please.  Perfect. 

Walking back to my room, with my hair dripping in my eyes, I noticed that my dog's food bowl was empty.  She was a beautiful Golden Retriever named Graham.  I filled up the cup and tried to open the sliding glass door but it was closed tightly.  Since we'd lived in New Jersey, my father had always put a stick or broom handle in the tracks of the sliding glass door so even if it were unlocked it still wouldn't open.  We kept the habit. 

I bent over as far as decency allows in a towel and picked up the stick.  Graham was going Guano, she loved when we'd go outside whether we had food or not.  I had to be quick because she'd run in the house and get sand and dirt ALL over my mother's white carpet and then The Woman turned into Satan's hell mistress, The Banshee and that would ruin my Perfect Day.  So I slid open the door from the back and in came that Perfect Day Smell.  I propped up the broom stick so it stood on the track and leaned against the metal frame of the door.  I walked outside, and there was a perfect little breeze blowing.  Graham was jumping, really excited I was gonna feed her, and was getting sand all over the porch.  My feet were still damp and I was picking up the sand with them.  Crap.  I turned around to wipe my feet and go get my chanclas.  Graham started to prance around and make for the door to cut me off like she usually does.  I was ready this time, I leaned up against the doorway and blocked her with my knee.  My towel started to slide so I pressed the hand still holding the food up to the loosened knot and with the other hand I slid the door shut behind me so Graham wouldn't get in THIS time, I moved my knee out a little to close it all the way.

You know that feeling you get when you realize something bad might have happened but you need a second before you want to look and confirm?  Well I heard a sound that I had heard a million and 2 times before, a sound that I've heard every day for 20 years.  I leaned up against the glass door and looked up at those perfect trees with the perfect sun rays filtering through the perfect leaves.  I slowly turned my head to the left and refused to believe what I knew I was going to see.  Yes. Of course.  The sound I heard was the broom stick falling flat on the tracks and therefore locking me out of the house in a towel.  "fucking PERFECT!"  Graham was prancing around again like a retarded grasshopper, I was still holding her food.  I moved forward to put the food down and felt a tug.  "What the....?"  My towel was firmly wedged in the now closed door.  I tried to yank it out but it wouldn't budge. 

I thought now of all of the shows where people get stuck outside naked. Yes, I scoffed and said that it was completely ridiculous, that never happens to anybody its just an excuse to show gratuitous nudity...  Yup.  And now I'm outside.  Naked.  No one was home, the door was locked and I'm imagining looking like Eve, running next door to use the phone with nothing on but leaves in strategically placed areas.  I let go of the towel put the food down and walked to the back windows looking into the living room.  I peeked in to see if there was anyone in the house because it would just figure someone would come home right now open the door and see a naked Me standing outside the back window. They'd probably have friends with them. 

I saw a glimmer of non-sucky luck.  One window was unlocked so I opened it and climbed in.  I did track black dirt all over the carpet, but I cleaned it up and it didnt stain, I got in the house without having to run around the neighborhood naked and causing further humiliation and em-bare-ass-ment, and no one saw me but Graham who was now grubbing down happily and she wasn't about to tell anyone. 

*sigh*  ............ Perfect.