It was a perfectly beautiful summer day, perfect temperature, clear perfectly blue sky, and everyone in my house was out for the day. Ahh, all alone - Perfect. I treasure those moments. I slept in until 11am and laid in bed feeling lazy for a while. I took a shower, one of those long ones because you know you have nothing to do and the day is yours to do with as you please. Perfect.
Walking back to my room, with my hair dripping in my eyes, I noticed that my dog's food bowl was empty. She was a beautiful Golden Retriever named Graham. I filled up the cup and tried to open the sliding glass door but it was closed tightly. Since we'd lived in New Jersey, my father had always put a stick or broom handle in the tracks of the sliding glass door so even if it were unlocked it still wouldn't open. We kept the habit.
I bent over as far as decency allows in a towel and picked up the stick. Graham was going Guano, she loved when we'd go outside whether we had food or not. I had to be quick because she'd run in the house and get sand and dirt ALL over my mother's white carpet and then The Woman turned into Satan's hell mistress, The Banshee and that would ruin my Perfect Day. So I slid open the door from the back and in came that Perfect Day Smell. I propped up the broom stick so it stood on the track and leaned against the metal frame of the door. I walked outside, and there was a perfect little breeze blowing. Graham was jumping, really excited I was gonna feed her, and was getting sand all over the porch. My feet were still damp and I was picking up the sand with them. Crap. I turned around to wipe my feet and go get my chanclas. Graham started to prance around and make for the door to cut me off like she usually does. I was ready this time, I leaned up against the doorway and blocked her with my knee. My towel started to slide so I pressed the hand still holding the food up to the loosened knot and with the other hand I slid the door shut behind me so Graham wouldn't get in THIS time, I moved my knee out a little to close it all the way.
You know that feeling you get when you realize something bad might have happened but you need a second before you want to look and confirm? Well I heard a sound that I had heard a million and 2 times before, a sound that I've heard every day for 20 years. I leaned up against the glass door and looked up at those perfect trees with the perfect sun rays filtering through the perfect leaves. I slowly turned my head to the left and refused to believe what I knew I was going to see. Yes. Of course. The sound I heard was the broom stick falling flat on the tracks and therefore locking me out of the house in a towel. "fucking PERFECT!" Graham was prancing around again like a retarded grasshopper, I was still holding her food. I moved forward to put the food down and felt a tug. "What the....?" My towel was firmly wedged in the now closed door. I tried to yank it out but it wouldn't budge.
I thought now of all of the shows where people get stuck outside naked. Yes, I scoffed and said that it was completely ridiculous, that never happens to anybody its just an excuse to show gratuitous nudity... Yup. And now I'm outside. Naked. No one was home, the door was locked and I'm imagining looking like Eve, running next door to use the phone with nothing on but leaves in strategically placed areas. I let go of the towel put the food down and walked to the back windows looking into the living room. I peeked in to see if there was anyone in the house because it would just figure someone would come home right now open the door and see a naked Me standing outside the back window. They'd probably have friends with them.
I saw a glimmer of non-sucky luck. One window was unlocked so I opened it and climbed in. I did track black dirt all over the carpet, but I cleaned it up and it didnt stain, I got in the house without having to run around the neighborhood naked and causing further humiliation and em-bare-ass-ment, and no one saw me but Graham who was now grubbing down happily and she wasn't about to tell anyone.
*sigh* ............ Perfect.
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