I'll Only BM-oment

Ok, so during the 24th year of my life I did nothing but homework for years.  I was in school and finals were every 11 weeks.  They usually meant I was in a computer lab until 2am every day. 

My sister calls me up which in itself was odd.  

Her: "Hey slut.  Come to Molly's Pub.  Everyone's here."  

Me: "Who's everyone?  You and your drunk friend?" 
 
Her: "Everyone that matters, slut.  Hurry."

So I went, I needed a break.  The funny thing is at the time I was thinking, it's not like I'm 30, I'm young, I need to get out.  Now I'm 36 haha.  I met up with buddies I used to party with and it had been a while since I could stay out all night.  I had a beer or 3 and decided around midnight that it was time to go.  They weren't THAT fun sober.  My friend "Cracky" asked me for a ride home, I said sure.  What the hell right?  He asked if I wanted to go swimming at the country club pool with him.  Here I was, my soft warm heart breaking for him in his time of anguish over his lost love.  *tear*

We picked up his trunks and went to the country club.  I thought it odd that his parents being members of the club we still had to hop the fence. The term 'Hop' is used loosely here, when I was 16 I hopped like a bunny.  At 24 I hauled, clung, had a controlled fall and may or may not have rolled a little.


It was gorgeous night though hot and a little sweaty.  Ok, it was a sweaty night and there was nothing I would rather do than jump in that cold pool but the stars were beautiful.  Dark starry nights are my favorite.

He started talking about how much he loved this girl, how much he missed her, how hurt he was and I sat there listening like the awesome friend I am.  I happened to look down into the water.  It was close to 1am so the pool lights were on and I saw what looked like little pieces of mulch floating in the water.  

I thought, 'how strange, I don't remember the water being this dirty.'  

Now, I'm a bit of a germaphobe.  I would notice if there was something sketchy in the water before putting my legs in, but my friend was in need.  He was butt-hurt. (hurt feelings)  And again, I'm an awesome friend.

A thought fluttered in my head and I shooed it away.  His hands were behind his back and he was playing with his waistband, weird...  That twisted thought crawled back and was licking at my brain, again I disregarded something so obscene because really... who does that?

That's when (pause for effect) 'IT' happened.  Cracky looked down at the pieces of mulch swirling in the water when he moved his foot.  He pionted his toe with the grace of a drunken fuck-o and smeared the 'mulch' across the bottom of the pool.  

Huh?  That's not..... wait....  No.  No right?  Nope!  NO!  


No way.

 
 I lifted my feet out of what was once a pool and now was a huge toilet, and crossed my legs under me.  

What is happening?  Is he still talking?  Was he breaking up that log behind his back while he was talking to me???   *KAK*  

Then what I thought was the most disgusting moment of my life got worse.  He leaned over, eyes closed, stars twinkling in the night.  The closer he got the more my brain frantically screamed, "he touched caca!!!!  He TOUCHED IT! WITH.  HIS.  HANDS!   HE'S TRYING TO KISS YOU, RUN BITCH, RUUUN!!!

I freaked, I was frozen until that moment but now it was time to wig out.  

"WHOA!!!!!  Whooooa, Cracky, we're friends. (long pause)  I gotta go."  

I had to stop myself from running out of there.  Didn't have problems hopping the fence on the way out, weird. 

So I dropped him off, went home and took a SilkWood shower.  While in the shower in the fecal position, FETAL!  FETAL position sucking my thumb.  

Did that just happen?  No. It couldn't have.  Who does that?  Not humans right? Just assholes do that.  That's funny but I'm not really laughing.  Someone's caca touched you... oh my Jesus, KEEP SCRUBBING!

I told my sister what had happened when I got out of the shower.  She thought I was out catting around with that dude.  

Her response was, "I'm telling Everybody!'

They were all out at some bar a couple of months later and for every sentence that came out of his mouth my sis would answer, "You're Fucking gross."  "You're disgusting"  

Finally I guess he got sick of it and just screamed at her, "What's your problem???  What? Because I took a shit in the pool in front of your sister??"  

My suave sis in total shock, "omg...  OMG!  Did everyone hear that???!!!"  

I cant look at him to this day.

Don't judge me, these freaks find me.  I swear.